Things Fall Apart (Written May 2, 2012)

I don't know where to begin. My head is spinning.

Yesterday, Mike was arrested. I can't believe I just typed that. I can't believe that this is really happening. Someone stole 130 phones from his work. Clearly, they believe it to be him. I've never known Mike to steal anything. I've always said that he is the best person I have ever known. My husband is sitting in jail.

He went to work yesterday to answer more questions. He brought my cell phone with him, so he could let me know how things went and when he would be home. At 10PM, I finally called his parents and told them about the suspension. 10:30, I called the Chicago Police Department. He will be transferred to 26th and California in the morning to go before a Bond Judge. No other information. I don't even know what a bond judge is. Shouldn't he have called me? Maybe he called a lawyer. The lawyer or someone should have called me.

I am numb. I know I need to eat. I can't. I know I need to sleep. I can't. I don't know where to begin. What am I suppose to do?

There is no money in the bank account. Payday loans. He says he never took out any payday loans. But, there they are on his bank statement, for over a year. He would never take out a payday loan. I didn't even know what they were until all this stuff started to surface. Someone is garnishing his wages. He said he was never notified. Can that be true? Doesn't HR have to notify you by law?

These are things that we have never had to deal with. We've been married since 1999. Mike has always been reliable, trustworthy, and responsible. Then April happened. I can't make sense of any of it. We've always told each other everything. Why now? Why would he all of the sudden change who he is? The alternative to believing that is to believe that someone took his identity over a year ago, that his bank statements were altered or his account was hacked into, that someone stole the landscaping check and then the bank lost it, that someone hacked into his paypal account, as well, and that his work really has nothing on him. Too many things. What's true, what's not? How do I reconcile all of this?

No money. No husband. A 4 month old. What has become of my life? I don't know what to do.

I think I will need to borrow a down payment for an apartment from his parents. Get that squared away. Get the cell phone put in my name. Then file for bankruptcy. I could just leave the house. It's not in my name.

My paycheck is nil until Fall. I have to put us on my crappy insurance. My check will really be nil.

I have to focus on Cooper. He needs me.

Time is moving ever so slow. I keep looking at the clock as if by some miracle it will change things. I'm exhausted but my mind never stops. I am in a constant loop of thought.

We have no money. How am I suppose to get him out of jail? All I have are his parents, they don't seem to know what to do either. I can't even cry. I am numb. Another clock check for no reason. I'm waiting for it to be later, I don't know why. Later will come, and I will still be without answers, without money, without a husband, and with a beautiful baby boy who needs me to have answers, to have money, and to have a Dad.

Missed Beats

Life has given me a very hard kick. When I say that things are difficult right now, it is a huge understatement. My life has essentially fallen apart. Nothing was as it seemed; however, I had no idea. The last 13 years of my life seem to have been full of half truths and lies. I am completely overwhelmed and feel like I am out of my league. I am feeling my way through it, taking it all day by day. I know that God will help me through it and this too shall pass.

I miss blogging; however, I find it difficult to concentrate. Tonight I am forcing myself. I will not be defined by the enormous mistakes of another. 

I sadly admit that I have missed some beats with blogging my little mister's life. He has changed SOOOOO much during the last two months. Coop started eating solids way back in early May. During the first harsh hit of reality, I found comfort in making his food. He started out with Avocado and has LOVED it ever since!

I started out fairly slowly. Now King Coop enjoys solid food A LOT! His favorites are avocado, bananas, butternut squash, sweet potatoes, apples, pears, and cataloupe. He doesn't seem to like carrots, peas, mangoes, peaches, or green beans....but I keep trying :0)

Coop went from hating tummy time to spending a good deal of his awake time on his tummy. He can't crawl yet, but he is so close! He is really good at rotating around and rolling to where he wants to go. He is quite a mover. He also loves his saucer. He jumps a lot and now throws his toys. I am pretty sure he is playing fetch with me.

He is getting so much hair on top, if it were red, he would totally be Conan O'Brien!

Our cat Liono is super jealous of the time I devote to Coop. If I am on the floor with Cooper, which I am almost ALL the time....Liono is down there, too. He is always trying to get some of the attention. Coop LOVES that cat. He gets super excited to see him and tries to touch him at ever moment. Liono has become a good sport about the whole thing and will let Cooper grab at him and snuggle as long as he is getting rubbed by me, lol.

Five months came and went in a whirlwind. I returned to work full time :( and time seemed to fly by. Suddenly, my tiny little fella wasn't so tiny anymore. I don't have his full stats because there was no doctor visit, but I certainly could estimate. My guess is that he was about 17lbs 12oz and still long! He began wearing 9 month clothing and those little pork chop thighs could just barely fit in the Bumbo chair. He still hates wearing a bib and suddenly barely tolerated his swing....which is super sad for me! We stopped using a sleepsack and started just putting long sleeve pajamas on him and sleep started to get better. Here are some 5 month shots.

We spent the day at Perry Farm for the first time, took some really long walks, and relished in the beautiful weather! We also spent some time at my school.

This last picture was the day before my little miracle turned six months old. I turned his swing around and he fell asleep. I couldn't remember the last time he had napped in his swing. I LOVE seeing him doze in the swing, something about it brings me a peace and love to my heart. My little Coop-a-Loop and I are facing some major challenges right now, our lives are headed in a direction I hadn't anticipated, but I know that God will see us through. 

Giggles and Cereal

It's hard to imagine...one year ago I was ecstatic to realize that the fertility drugs and IUI had worked, yet I was living in a constant state of fear that we would miscarry again. I was prepping for the date that our little one was suppose to arrive. I had a hard time imagining that things would go our way. A year ago, we had our first ultrasound of Mr. Coop. The measurements were perfect, and we saw his heartbeat for the first time.

Where has the time gone? My tiny little fella is tiny no more. He has completely filled out! Coop is 4 months and lovin' it!

Current Weight- 16lbs 10oz (2.6lb gain) 

Current Height- 26 1/2in (1/2-1 inch gain give or take) 

Current Favorites- The monkey on the activity mat, Standing, Taggie Blanket, Winkel, and Chewing on...well anything 

Current Dislikes- Wearing a bib, Being held by anyone other than Mommy and Daddy, the pediatrician's office 

Coop has a great little personality, but he really only shows the real fun loving boy around people he knows well. If I take him to visit others, he pretty much just stares at them with little to no sounds or movements. He reminds me of a deer in headlights. At home though, he yells and babbles so loudly. Mike says he sounds like a baby pterodactyl. He scootches all over his activity mat, even when he is on his belly, he does a little army crawl. He giggles a ton when I say, "I'm gooooooonnna getcha!" I don't even have to touch him and he laughs so hard. He is extremely ticklish, which I exploit like a good Mommy.

When I started writing this post it went something like this...Sleep is still quite an issue. He sleeps for usually 3-4 hours and then loudly demands to be fed. There have been 2 rare instances that he slept for 5 hours...total flukes. The doctor recommended to give him a tablespoon of cereal in his bottle for nighttime feedings, but it hasn't helped his sleep or his reflux. Speaking of reflux we are on medication #2. It is a tablet, which we get to cut in half and put into his mouth. F-U-N! It seems to be helping a bit, but the other one worked for a bit too. Anywho, little Mister usually takes a nice long nap for me in the morning (about 2 hours) and then takes 2 45-60 minute naps in the afternoon. Notice I said "for me" bwhahahaha, this is not the case for anyone else. Mike rarely gets even one good nap. This little guy is me in terms of sleeping habits.


However; the tide seems to be turning! A week ago, the little mister began sleeping for 5 hours at a time!! One night he went 7 (this truly was a fluke though). 5 hours....we'll take it! It usually means just one middle of the night feeding. Very exciting stuff!

Also, we decided to start unswaddling. Mainly because by the time Coop woke, he looked something like this...

I was very worried about unswaddling him. He seemed so dependent on it for falling asleep. So, far...so good though! Yes, it takes him a little longer to fall asleep because his hands are so yummy, but overall, things are going very well!

I am enjoying being back at school. But, it is hard to be away from him for so long. I am definitely counting down to summer, for sure! I can't wait to take him to Brookfield Zoo and the Shedd Aquarium! I am already scared of going back full time in the fall. I guess it's a bridge I will cross when I get to it.

I absolutely adore this little guy. He has brought so much love and joy to my life. I think back to life before, and I simply can't imagine life without him.

This Little Piggy

This little piggy hates the carseat,
This little piggy is handsome,
This little piggy likes to giggle,
And, this little piggy sleep fights,
And, this little piggy went oink, oink, oink every hour in our home!

Ok, I'm not much of a poet, lol. I smell a growth spurt. The little Mister is suddenly eating all of the time! This morning he at 5oz at 9:15 and then 4 1/2oz at 10:45. Oh and by the way, he is still up every 3 hours to chow down.

I have fear in my heart of what is to come...Coop is almost consistently breaking free of his swaddle. I wouldn't mind using a sleepsack, IF he wouldn't become so consumed with gnawing on his hand that he doesn't fall asleep for nearly an hour! I never imagined how much I could talk about sleep habits, it's become an obsession.

Mr. A-Loop visited the big bunny at the mall over the weekend. I was a tad disappointed. I expected Coop to be screaming or what I really wished for was for Coop to sport those big buggy eyes that I adore...

He would have matched the giant wabbit perfectly. Instead, my little feller didn't notice the ginormous germ invested bunny, he stared at the archway of flowers and laid there like a little meatloaf. A tasty little meatloaf that would later need to be disinfected.

Let's go over what my little meatloaf got for Easter...plastic eggs filled with cash, a Tigger rattle, a stuffed duck, a vibrating toy thingy, two outfits, and A SLIDE. That's right my 3 1/2 month old got a slide. It just makes me laugh. His Grandma and Grandpa LOVE him so much, he's just a lucky little guy!

Concentration

Mr. Coop has gotten pretty good at grabbing things. As it would seem, the smaller the better. This morning while we were playing, I gave him a strand of links.

He had them in his tight little fist and had a serious look of concentration on his face. He stared at his hand and sloooooowly pulled it towards his mouth. Missed. Tried it again. Missed. I tried to help him, but I could see that he REALLY wanted to get that link in his mouth himself. Try and try as he might, he just couldn't do it. He started crying. I felt bad for him, but it was still unbelievably cute to watch.

Also, after weeks of playing in his bouncer...

He finally realized that the hanging crab that lights up and plays music is in response to his movements. He stared intently on it and whacked the hanging star. It lit up and played. Then it stopped. And, Whack! It played again. His little light bulb went off and it was amazing. I am soooo excited to see all of his little light bulb moments.